Journal Entry - Caroline Tiss - 7/14/2022

 Caroline Tiss - Entry - 7/14/2022 

It’s so strange how nobody really knows, all in all it’s all just human nature. Aren’t we the same Romans and statues of Baroque. The New Gods are being born as we speak. We are the stairway to heaven, we are the tower of Babel. It’s all so beautiful and I can see it before it happens. It makes me feel like the blood in my veins is running hot with violet enchanted flames. Sometimes I feel like I could end the world singlehandedly, but then I remember the stories, and all the love letters between estranged lovers lost in the mail, lost at sea. And I remember what I live for. Somehow, someway I would love to be the archivist the librarian the bookkeeper, a scribe, a collector of manuscripts and all of the gems of poetry I have found on my journeys. I’d rather be a bit of a Pirate a bit of a vagabond Robin hood, with no real destination except all that I am. It brings me life, and it has been prophesied. The star seeds are now star blossoms and we will shine our light. How I love folklore how I love all of the tales as old as time. I love how the magic is still tucked away. Even in cites and hotels and bus stops, the old ways live on. And they spiral on and on and on. “I see things, I feel things, I know things. That I had no previous awareness of, yet I know anyway.” It’s all so powerful. It makes me feel whimsy. I am so alone, I am a bottle in a hurricane, at sea. -

Lost Boys I remember that last day I saw you, I almost went up to you. I know I have felt so cold I just wished I had gotten to say goodbye. Forever young, childhood friends. I used to count the stars with you, now we just went our separate paths, wish I could’ve given you my hand. But I know you wouldn’t take it, we’re on two different roads, and this game is cruel so I know I’ve got to go. I don’t think you have any love for me and I don’t doubt that, but I will keep you in my memories and we will stay forever young. -

I have reflected on my life quite a bit over this past summer of 2022. This has been the summer I have graduated from high school. It has also been a summer where I have discovered myself a great deal. I have felt the dawn of my life beginning and have tried to embrace it, despite the pain I have carried for so many years. I was finally free from it but at the same time, I have been worn thin. I was so tired I could barely stand on my feet. I remember the day of graduation, I was so filled with joy and relief truly, it was a marvelous day. I listened to “The Dog Days are Over” by Florence and The Machine on my way home from the ceremony, with my head out the window, hair in the wind and my black dress on. I felt like I was alive. I finally felt okay. - The day of graduation was one of the best days of my life, the stars aligned and we were finally free to run wild. -

I lost my virginity at 16 to a random guy and spent a lot of time writing poetry and painting as well as getting in depressive spirals. I also attempted suicide twice in my teens landing me in mental hospitals which were both really negative life experiences. My father and I fought a lot in high school and I had multiple 911 phone calls which police came due to family issues. In August of 2021 my father and I had a physical altercation while we were on vacation in Italy in the Hotel Umbria in Assisi and this really negatively impacted me and I started really being more angry and acting out and yelling at teachers at school due to the trauma of it. It got filed and reported but nothing was ever done. I then lost my dog in March of 2022 who was one of my best friends. Things were pretty dark in high school and things have actually been pretty bad for a pretty long time, nearly 3 years. It’s been sort of hellish. I sometimes feel like I am fading away. I don’t really think I have been the same since my dad hit me, like really attacked me, in Italy. My little sister saw the whole thing. My best friend told me she is worried about her. And I know. But she’s just trying as hard as I am, and she’s doing better than me. I have nightmares about it sometimes and wake up in tears. It’s hard to explain it. Sometimes I get urges to run away. But then feel helpless and alone. The spirits I work with keep telling me to keep my head up. But I feel like breaking down nearly all the time. I think I am so strong but I am deeply in pain. Sometimes I just want to cry out but I feel like I made it this way. I am to blame. But I cannot hide it. - I’m not even really here. Half the time I’m afraid and closed off. Afraid of falling again.